At midnight, the federal government of the United States will be suspended for the first time in 17 years unless a budget resolution is passed. Without reconciliation, a number of essential utilities will become limited or unavailable.
For your awareness, the following municipal services will be affected by the possible government shutdown:
1. Waste Management
Trash collection will be suspended. (To dispose of excess garbage, the state of Florida will remain open.)
2. Department of Motor Vehicles
In lieu of being able to obtain a driver’s license or permit from your state government, citizens will be directed to local Currency Exchange branches. You can expect the same level of basic DMV service from these locations, which is no service.
Legal matters will be resolved through private judicial services offered by The Honorable J. Sheindlin, G. Mathis, J. Brown, M. Lane, and J. Dredd, Esq. Check your local listings.
4. Postal Service
Mail collection and distribution will be unavailable Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays. Standard Sunday service will remain available.
5. National Security Administration
Your conversations, personal data, and other private disclosures will unfortunately not be monitored for the duration of the shutdown. To ensure proper surveillance, print off and mail hard copies of your incriminating electronic communication to the following address using this helpful format:
[Full Name], [Social Security Number], [Apple ID*]
[Subject Matter in Explicit Detail]
c/o Department of Oversight
National Security Administration
Fort Meade, MD 20755
*If you do not remember your Apple ID, try using your iTunes or iCloud account
Closed. For travel or transit purposes, consider taking the government subsidized Amtrak, which is also closed.
7. Food Inspection
Safety and spoilage concerns will be left up to smell tests. Follow these guidelines:
- If it smells good, your food is safe to consume.
- If it smells bad, your food is not safe to consume.
- If it smells like McDonald’s, your food is not safe to consume, even though you still will.
You’re on your own.