As a straight, white, Christian male, I am exhausted by the 3% of American society that doesn’t bend over backwards to meet my preferences…
(…Besides Your Penis)
It’s hard out here for a P.I.M.P.H. (Person Inclined to be Macho and Pack Heat). You love your gun more than you love Christmas, and your non-traditional love is protected by the 2nd Amendment. Yet, it seems like everyone hates guns and hates you for owning them. That, and it feels like every other day Obama is launching elaborate, highly-coordinated, perfectly-acted false flag mass shootings to trick the public into thinking we have a gun problem (this, the same government that misspells both your first and last name on your tax return, Bolb Johnqson).
Let’s face it: Guns are used for a lot of valid reasons: hunting, protection of the homestead, protection of yourself, party tricks at your Uncle Carl’s house, backing you up in case you run into trouble in that strip mall Chipotle full of middle school cheerleaders.
I think it’s also fair to acknowledge that guns have a huge symbolic significance for many owners. They’re not only a weapon, they’re a lifestyle choice– a tool to help compensate for things we may be personally lacking.
The joke is that the bigger the gun, the tinier the penis. And while that may be absolutely 100% true in every single case, there are other things guns compensate for. Here are 8 of them.
8. Your Lack Of Claws, Sharp Teeth, The Ability To Run Faster Than Your Prey
Humans are oh-so weak. Even Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson would lose in a fight with a really small lion. Our fingernails can’t even pick old Scotch tape off the wall, let alone rip the throat out of a deer. Our teeth bother us when the coffee is too hot or the Chunky Monkey is too cold. And the last time we ran more than eight steps, it ended it a gnarly calf cramp and vomit tinged with Jalapeño Popper Doritos. We can’t kill shit without guns. Guns help us kill animals! Top of the food chain! Rarrr!
7. The Fact That Rhonda Took Everything
That she-demon from hell took the house, the Dodge Ram, the first four seasons of NCIS, the kids, your cat Buckshot, the grill that she never used once, your pride, your confidence, your goddamn soul, your manhood which she kept in a jar on top of the fridge for the duration of your marriage, and the Pampered Chef pizza stone. Rhonda fucked you over big time, left you a hollow shell of a man with a card table for a coffee table in your small-town apartment.
But she didn’t take your gun.
“You’re a child!” No, Rhonda, I’m a fuckin’ STUD. BANG BANG BANG CLINT EASTWOOD BANG BANG STUD. Look how strong you look while you brandishing them for your latest YouTube video about being a stud. One hundred and six views! Rhonda can’t take THOSE away from you!
6. The Fact No One Thinks You Are Special
Man, it seems like these days everyone except white men are being celebrated. Gays, minorities, trans individuals… has everyone forgotten how badass white men are? Does the name Rowdy Roddy Piper mean NOTHING anymore?
Maybe your gun will remind them how powerful you are. Yeah, you were in the driver’s seat for several millennia, at the expense of everyone else. And yeah, minorities have had a few decades of perceived equality, and gays a few years, and trans folk about eleven days. But they’ve had enough fun. IT’S YOUR TURN AGAIN, DAMNIT.
5. The Fact You Can’t Do a Pull-Up
Who needs to pull yourself up to an iron bar when you can just shoot it off the wall and let it fall down to you? That’s how a REAL man exercises.
Back in the day, to stand your ground and kill someone you had to get up, walk over to them, shove some heavy iron blade into their body five or six times, and then go wash all the blood off in a stream half a mile away, and then spend hours re-sharpening your blade. That was fucking exhausting.
Now, you can just drive by someone’s house and take care of business while one hand’s wrist-deep in a bag of pork rinds. Guns make you a badass with as absolutely minimal effort as possible, which is what being an American is all about. The only way you’d give up your gun is if someone invents a button on your remote that immediately makes your enemies and minorities that frighten you explode.
3. Your Demeaning Job At A Big Box Store
Let’s review: You can’t do a pull-up, Rhonda took everything, you hate leaving the couch and you work for minimum wage in the warehouse of an exploitative big box store, moving palates of bulk tampons and adult diapers back and forth, because the steel mill in your small town closed and took all the good jobs to China. Your horrible job is absolutely antithetical to being a Man. Your boss is even a Hispanic woman, which is clearly Obama’s fault. You need SOMETHING to remind yourself you have big hairy, low-hanging sack and are the manliest thing to happen since Charles Bronson last took a shit. Guns? Guns.
2. You Played A Combined Forty-Seven Seconds In Four Years Of High School Football
Yet, this week alone you’ve played forty-seven hours of Call of Duty: War Is So Fucking Hot Oh God I’m Gonna Cum. #everybodyaintable
1. You Can’t Find The Can Opener
Gotta get that can of baked beans open somehow, right Uncle Carl? Stand back, watch this!
John Loos is a Chicago-based writer and actor who has performed with The Second City at Sea and recently joined the faculty of The Second City Writing Program. He’s an ensemble member of GayCo Productions and performs in the two-man sketch and improv duo Pinque Pony. He can be tweeted @johnlooswins.