Should you fail to attend the gift exchange, you can expect your employment to be immediately terminated. Get excited, ladies!
The promise of summertime is the only thing that gets us through the Game of Thrones-like winters that Chicagoans endure. Today, we celebrate the longest day of the year in the most glorious city on Earth. Here are 7 ways to get you through it.
Don’t abandon the “woe-is-me” Chicago attitude just because the sun is out. Tell anyone who will listen that the beaches are dirty and the lake is filled with E. Coli. And isn’t everything so expensive? Sales tax is through the roof, and Rahm is a real disappointment, huh? Oh, and traffic! If you’re having trouble coming up with a good complaint, try beginning a sentence with, “Don’t get me started on…” and let the negativity flow like the still dyed-green water of the Chicago River. REMEMBER: offer no options for improvement or solutions. Nothing says “Chicago!” more than complaining about things and offering absolutely no solutions. We can’t even throw money at our problems, because WE DON’T HAVE ANY.
2. Get Shot
The Second City? Nope! When it comes to murder, Chicago is #1, and the summer months have significantly higher murder rates. If you want to do it right, head to the Auburn Gresham neighborhood at South Halsted and West 77th. It was recently named the 4th dangerous neighborhood in the country, according to FBI data from 17,000 local law enforcement agencies. Suck it, East St. Louis!
3. Don’t Diet
You don’t need a fancy juice cleanse or coffee enemas to work on your Midwestern Bikini Body! Guys, nobody is going to care if you have bigger tits than your girlfriend. Hell, keep your t-shirt on when you swim! You live in the Midwest for a reason, baby! If you’re not feeling confident in your body, just take a day trip to Wisconsin.
4. Eat Outside!
Patios and rooftops be bumping! Just remember there are always lots of kids, dogs, bugs and a long line. Eat stuff from food trucks, the tamale cart, booths at festivals. Your stomach is way tougher than you think. I refuse to get my appendix removed simply so that I have extra protection when I enjoy Street Meat.
5. Eat Inside!
No waiting and lots of air conditioning. Remember to always complain there is too much air conditioning.
6. Drink a Ton
Nothing beats a cocktail outside in the sun, but be smart about it. Don’t get so drunk that you can’t remember the longest day of the year. Get blackout drunk in winter. That’s how we cope.
Just fucking walk around. Go outside. Be outside in the sun. Even if you have skin cancer. It’s not LA or the suburbs. You don’t look like a psychopath with a DUI if people see you walking around. Watch out for potholes. And don’t walk too much– See #3.