Throw the hottest farewell bash this 366-day sh!tstorm could possibly ask for.
Convicted sex offender Brock Turner left jail today after serving just half of his already frightening short six-month prison sentence. That’s a chill three months in prison for someone convicted of assault with intent to commit rape of an intoxicated or unconscious person, penetration of an intoxicated person and penetration of an unconscious person.
To get a real sense of how short three months is, let’s take a look at some things that last longer than Mr. Turner’s turn in jail did:
Summer (Memorial Day to Labor Day)
Summer, the season that everyone on social media constantly labels as being too short, begins on June 21 and technically ends on September 23. That’s 93 days, or a full three days longer than Brock Turner was incarcerated for sexually assaulting an unconscious woman. So you wore white, got a sunburn, ate five lobster rolls, took a vacation, drank rose on twenty-five rooftops and then went back to school in less time than Brock Turner sat in a jail cell.
A Shirt From Forever 21
Based off intensive internet complaints, it appears that the average life span of a Forever 21 top is a mere 9-10 washings. Let’s say you wear said floral midriff top twice a month for four months and clean it after each wear before it completely disintegrates in the machine on the tenth wash. You definitely got your money’s worth, because that seven-dollar shirt lasted longer than the amount of time the American justice system found appropriate for sexual assault.
The Waiting Period to Give Blood After Traveling to a Country with Malaria
If you’ve gone to a country with an elevated malaria risk, the Center for Disease Control and the American Red Cross mandate that you refrain from donating blood for at least twelve months after your return. Hope you enjoyed that five-day trip to Mexico, because now you have to wait four Brock Turner jail times before you can donate blood again.
That Can of Soup in the Back of the Cabinet
Don’t be turned off by the dust and ripped label! You can safely eat that Campbell’s tomato soup up to two years after buying it. So start the timer today and enjoy that sodium-packed dinner one year and nine months after Brock Turner’s release from jail.
The Flush of Early Love
Scientists say that the oxytocin levels in our blood fall off six months into a relationship, or approximately two Brock turner rape jail times. So that brief time period in the coupling where you pretended you don’t poop? It lasted twice as long as Brock Turner’s stay in prison.
The Open Enrollment Period for Obamacare
The open enrollment period – you know, that thing everyone you know keeps missing because the window is just too damn short? It’s exactly the same length of Brock Turner’s time in jail, clocking in at three months. Although this year it’s technically 92 days– between November 1, 2016 and January 31, 2017. You actually have 48 more hours to scramble to choose a healthcare plan than Brock Turner spent being punished for the crime he committed against another human being.
The Life of These Hideous Floral Arrangements
If you have $329 bucks and you’re into flowers that look a vampire florist put them together for a “Spooky Home & Garden” photo shoot, these horrifying Venus ET Fleur arrangements apparently lasts for an entire year. So that means that we can keep cut flowers in weird colors alive nine months longer than we can keep a convicted sex offender in prison.
Life is a beautiful enigma!
Caitlin Kunkel is a comedy writer, director, and producer based in Brooklyn, NY. She teaches screenwriting and satire at The Second City Training Center and takes off her pants as soon as she gets home. Read more of her musings @KunkelTron or at the more professionally-named www.caitlinkunkel.com.