Tolan is an Emmy Award-winning television screenwriter, director, producer and member of The Harold Ramis Film School advisory board.
The deadline for getting your ass covered at HealthCare.gov is January 31st. If you’re new to the wonderful world of over-priced and under-covered insurance OR if you’re one of the many who had your 2015 plan cancelled (thanks, BCBS), then you’re in the right marketplace.
Get ready to click APPLY on one of the only Obamacare plans you can actually afford.
The Duct Tape Plan
Deep cuts and broken bones will lead you well on your way to meeting those outrageous out-of-pocket limits if you get “proper medical attention.” Take matters into your own hands and duct tape that finger back on! Doctors thought WebMD was the enemy; wait until they see the sweet full body cast you MacGyver’d.
Monthly Premium: $7.83 for 50 yards
The Yoga-for-Every-Ailment Plan
Arthritis? Downward dog. Asthma? Child’s pose. Bullet wound? Asanas in the tub (in an effort to not stain the carpet with blood). Yes, yoga may not help heal these conditions… but at least you (or your beneficiary) won’t be stuck with sky high medical bills. Bonus: if you’re real good at yoga, maybe you can forget how much pain you’re in through meditation. Owwwwwmmmm.
Monthly Premium: That Lululemon ain’t cheap. Those thumb holes, tho.
The Agoraphobic Ben Franklin Plan
Stepping outside can lead to all sorts of injury-causing accidents that your insurance won’t recoup. Grab a pen and paper and try out Ben Franklin’s decision-making system to decide if having a social life is worth the risk. By the time you’ve followed our forefather’s steps, your desire to leave the house may have passed– keeping you safely indoors and not in debt.
>Step 1: Draw a line down the middle of a piece of paper. Write “PROS: Reasons to Risk my Expensive Health” on one side and “CONS: Ways I Could Injure Myself and Never Be Able to Pay Off the Hospital Bills” on the other.
>Step 2: Jot down your reasons under both columns and consider each answer’s weight.
>Step 3: Choose to either leave your dwelling and risk your fortune *or* stay safe and watch Netflix until the bed sores set in.
Monthly Premium: Let’s be honest. Just the $7.99 Netflix subscription fee.
The Heartburn, Schmartburn Plan
Who knows what “tier” your insurance plan will place the drugs you need in– so leave the proton pump inhibitors in ‘Ghostbusters’ where they belong. Experiment curing what ails you with fermented teas, various tree barks or your roommate’s weed stash. Don’t give in to those late-night munchies if you *do* suffer from Schmartburn, however.
Monthly Premium: You’ll be so high on tree bark that you’ll mostly likely wind up trading sexual favors for more weed.
The Stuff Yourself Plan
Instead of throwing out old pillows, egg cartons and/or bubble wrap, keep your trash handy when you’re going for a dangerous sidewalk jog or life-risking dog walk (see: The Ben Franklin Plan above). You can easily stuff your coat pockets with the aforementioned recycled protectants or tape them around your fragile limbs to avoid injury. Lucky for you, these insulators also come in handy when your apartment’s heat gets turned off because your insurance premium broke the bank and you need a little warmth for your cry-nap!
Monthly premium: Free; All those bubble pillows come along at no extra charge with your $500’s worth of Amazon Prime shipments!
The Lean Into Your New Limp Plan
Physical therapy sessions to rehab that broken ankle usually require paying a co-insurance percentage, even after you meet your deductible. Since you need to spend your cash on stupid stuff like food and shelter, try accepting your unavoidable new strut.
Monthly Premium: About $12 of DIY cane-pimping bling from Hobby Lobby
The Watch the Whiskey Plan
Sure, alcohol may help suppress a cold or wash away the memory of your monthly premium costs, but know that one out of three trips to the ER is alcohol related. You can’t afford paying for a stomach pump with the 0% emergency room coverage your plan provides. So deal with that nasty cough that’s been hanging out for four months and try to stay sober. You don’t want a third of your annual income paying off hospital bills for that one wild night with Jaeger.
Monthly Premium: Your sanity. Making it through the long, cold months of winter without Fireball to keep you warm? Ugh.
Andrew Thorp is a writer, director and performer in Chicago. He is online education program manager for The Second City Training Center Chicago and produces comedy shows via Thorpedo Productions.