I only want the best for my daughter, and as a straight, white man, she’ll be set for life…
With Chicago murder rates making national headlines, the City of Big Shoulders wants to remind you that it has lots more to offer than just blood and bullet wounds.
Here are 7 awesome things Chicago has going for it:
7. George Ryan’s release from a federal penitentiary means we currently only have one ex-governor rehabilitating (read: showering with male voters) in prison.
6. The show Whitney is set in Chicago. Yes, that Whitney.
5. Chicago had its own famous maritime disaster aboard the SS Eastland, so suck on that, Titanic.
4. It’s the only place on Earth where you can wear short-shorts one day and be buried beneath an avalanche the next. An avalanche of bullets, mustaches, and fancy-pants doughnuts.
3. Half the city’s population is obese, meaning that most Chicagoans will die from chronic health conditions. More disease = less murder victims.
2. The Shedd Aquarium was just named the top-attended aquarium in the U.S., prompting the city’s new slogan, “Chicago: Don’t Sleep With the Fishes, Maybe Just Visit Them.”
1. This city was already beaten once by a cow and a lantern. Standing up to semi-automatics is looking like a real long shot. How ’bout we just go get drunk and play with your brother’s Bushmaster?