I only want the best for my daughter, and as a straight, white man, she’ll be set for life…
If there is one thing I learned after last week’s Game of Thrones‘ epic-sode “The Rains of Castamere,” it’s that PEOPLE LOVE SPOILERS! So, just in case you want some dirt on what happened in last night’s finale so you can ruin someone else’s day… you’ve come to the right place. Here are 7 Epic Spoilers*.
*These are not actual GoT spoilers. These have nothing to do with Game of Thrones. I’m not a monster.
1. Scar Kills Mufasa
The original Kingslayer, amirite?!
2. The Trojan Horse
There are Greeks hidden in that horse! Don’t let the beautifully curved shoulders of that majestic rolling statue confuse you! There is a hole where the Greeks are going to– oh, nevermind.
3. The Battle of Trenton
Oh boy, oh boy, George Washington is creeping over the Delaware River with 2,400 of his best friends! Those Germans won’t know what hit ‘em! Frohe Weihnachten, dummies!
4. Ross ‘n Rachel Get Back Together
Oof. I totally thought Rachel was going to move to Paris. I mean, 10 years of on-again, off-again? You know that ends in off-again. Unless you’re afraid of flying and need to get off the plane, claiming it was for love. Remember 2004, guys?
5. The Decline of the Temperance Movement
Just give it a few years…turns out it’s easier to get rid of an outdated amendment when it interferes with our country’s good times.
6. FDR is Paralyzed
That’s why he was never pictured out and about in the society section! Polio. Oh jeez, I never saw that coming.
7. Anna Karenina Gets Hit By a Train
Oops, sorry. It’s your bad for using the internet. And I mean, come on. Tolstoy wrote the book 136 years ago.
Kristina Felske is a writer, actor, and improviser currently living in Chicago. She is an editor and regular contributor to the daily humor site The Other Otter (theotherotter.com) and has a performance-y resume posted on kristinafelske.com. You can tweet her @kristinafelske.