My fellow Americans, I am proud to announce my presidential campaign for the 2016 election.
Tamerlan and Dzhokhar’s mother came forward to offer her own theory on the heartbreaking events in Boston: the senseless tragedy was just “something like a really big play.” That carnage on the street? Benjamin Moore’s shade “Caliente,” perhaps. She says it was paint, not blood.
Here, Zubeidat Tsarnaev presents her compelling case against five other major events she doesn’t believe really happened. You be the judge.
That Cat Shark on a Roomba Chasing a Duck
“That’s no cat. I see Jew in cat suit in shark suit. That duck is CGI, like Cloverfield.”
Michael Fassbender’s Full Frontal
“No way. Pringles can covered in Band-Aids. For sure.”
Last Month’s Really Big Sale at GapKids
“I don’t care if Valentine’s Day clothes are old news. No one sells for so low. $1.97 for a shirt? Come on. I was not born yesterday.”
Channing Tatum’s Dance Moves in General
“He has swallowed one thousand snakes, which slither through his limbs.” Tsarnaev is careful to point out, “Not just Magic Mike. Step it Up has snake-man, too.”
The Wedding of Joy Behar & Steve Janowitz
“Hello? Did anyone see pictures? This is typical American fraud.”