Saturday, August 27th is Global Forgiveness Day, and those of you with no enemies may feel left out this weekend…
Today, daughters (and sons) across America are dressing up in tiny business suits–complete with white Reeboks– to commute with their moms and dads to go to work. And some girls are just gonna take a raincheck. Here’s who is opting out of Take Your Child to Work Day.
The Daughter of the State Trooper Who Arrested Reese Witherspoon
If this guy actually does have a daughter, I’m sure she’s basically in the witness protection program, Sister Act-style. No one wants to be the girl whose dad single-handedly brought down Elle “Bend and Snap” Woods. NO ONE. The poor kid must be the most hated girl in school right now. Her dad sullied the reputation of, like, the #2 best movie star ever, after Vanessa Hudgens! Can you even imagine how the other girls are treating her? Girls like…
Rebecca Martinson, the Sorority Psycho
By now, every single one of us has read The Email. My super-sleuthing (Googling “Rebecca Martinson parents”) hasn’t turned up much, but I’m pretty sure she’s the daughter of an English teacher. This plucky gal deserves mad extra credit for her well-structured sentences, lack of misspellings, above-average grasp of punctuation and for using contractions correctly. Do you know how rare that is in a world where most people under 25 spell everything with three R’s at the end? But since she’s majoring in Cunt Punting, Rebecca’s taking a pass on heading to class with Mom.
Word on the street is that Michael Jackson’s only daughter has recently been spending more time with her birth mother, Debbie Rowe. Paris, you’re way too smart to fall for a trap like this. Like, let’s say someone at Debbie’s office is all, “Hey, Paris– can you help out with our official office business by licking these envelopes?” Then, they use your saliva sample for DNA testing to prove you’re actually a genetic combination of a chimpanzee, the only living Dodo bird, Liz Taylor and a Future Man from the year 4265 A.D. Not worth the risk, kid.
CNN Reporter John King’s Daughter, Unicornella King
Despite earlier reports confirming his “dark-skinned daughter,” Unicornella, would in fact be joining him live on-air, sources now say King admits that information is 100% false. They’re actually just gonna play hooky together and hit up American Girl Place and the Rainforest Cafe.
Liz Kozak (Editor) is a writer in Chicago who would take commas and hyphens over cake and ice cream any day. She also contributes regularly at The Huffington Post and blogs about stuff at poseypieproductions.com. Follow Liz: @LizKoz