Second City Network

Parenting Pro Dr. Pamela D. answers your toughest child-rearing questions.

Dear Pam,

I have a 16-month-old son, and my wife and I are thinking about rescuing a dog. We are conflicted about whether or not we can handle the extra responsibility.

--Doggy Dad

Dear DD,

Just keep your dog OFF OF MY FRONT LAWN. You yuppies love to get your god dam dogs to piss all over my grass and turn it yellow and I am SICK OF IT! A few weeks ago I went down to Home Depo and hired a mexcan man to stand in my bushes with a BB gun and shoot the dogs trying to piss on my lawn. First of all he wanted me to buy him lunch. HOW OUTRAGEOUS! Then he asked to use my bathroom and I yelled at him PISS IN THE ALLEY! Then after he shot a dog with the BB gun THE COPS CAME! I pretended I DIDN’T know him and he was deported.

--PAM

Dear Pam,

I am the mother of a 14-year-old girl, and grounding her is becoming increasingly hard in our digital world. Most of her homework is online, and she needs her cell phone in case of an emergency. I would say no TV, but we don't have one! Everyone watches TV on their iPad or computer. How can I enforce a punishment and make sure she keeps up with her school work?

--Digital Mom

Dear DM,

I cannot BELIEVE this bullshit! Are you poor? Is that why you don't have a tv? A 14 year old with a CELL PHONE? You should be taken to the center of town and drowned in a tub of piss and shit. When my daughter WHO HATES ME would act like a little bratty ass bitch I would just scream at her so loud that the the cops would come to our house. Then I would tell the cops that my daughter had hit me and she had drugs on her and they would BELIEVE me. One night she spent the evening in the Cook County Department of Corrections thinking about how she "Accidentally" broke my ceramic lighthouse in the bathroom. And she calls me a MONSTER!

--PAM

Dear Pam,

My wife was raised Catholic. We have a three-month-old son, and we are conflicted about how to raise him. We're not practicing our religions, but we see how he could benefit from being a part of the Church. What should we do? Choose for him now, or let it be?

--Conflicted Dad

Dear CD,

That's all you YUPPIES want is some Exotic piece of Presbyterian ass. I was a Librarian at a small Catholic grammar school for 34 years, and I made sure to let the kids know that if they are not Baptized they will go to hell, SO THERE'S YOUR ANSWER! I don't understand this god dam shit. Why can't you be happy with a normal life? You YUPPIES are all the same. "I got to get the name brand Cereal and pop! I am not happy with the Jewel brand!" Or "I want a car that is NOT made in America!" Or "Let’s go on the Judge Mattheus tv show and get Divorced!" This country is getting torn APART WITH OBAMA WHO IS INJECTING OUR KIDS WITH DRUGS TO MAKE THEM OBEY HIS COMMANDS!!! I am GLAD I am almost dead!

--PAM