Convicted sex offender Brock Turner left jail today after serving just half of his already frightening short six-month prison sentence…
Yes, it’s that time of year when the seasonal powers that be allow us to enjoy autumn’s favorite flavor via the Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte, M&M’s Pumpkin Spice Chocolate Candies and Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Dog Treats. That’s right, we’ve been forced to eat dog treats in order to get more pumpkin spice into our lives.
Well, no more. Below are 15 ways to enhance your life with pumpkin spice.
- Pumpkin Spice Ramen Noodles
Add your own flavor pack before the water boils, when you add the ramen noodles, and instead of the stupid flavor pack included.
Replace the bacon or the lettuce or the tomato… or all three!
- Key Lime Pumpkin Spice Pie
Tart and spicy for an Indian summer treat. No take backs!
- Pumpkin Spice Piñata
Why waste money on candy when kids can delight in smashing open a pumpkin to eat the raw seeds?
- Pumpkin Spice Food Stamps
Let Congress cut food stamps by over 50%. Increase their flavor by over 200% by adding pumpkin spice! (Maybe more, we’ve never tasted food stamps before.)
- Pumpkin Spice Floss
Amateurs will add pumpkin to their cinnamon flavor toothpaste. But only floss will truly get it below the gum line.
- Pumpkin Spice Hair Extensions
Not only can you get the orange tint you’ve always craved, your head will smell like the inside of a spicy pumpkin! HELLOOOOO boys!
- Pumpkin Spice Spray Tan
If you’re going to be orange, you might as well add some spice!
- The Pumpkin Spice Pill
A daily dose of hormones and flavor. Great with Plan-B if you need some emergency pumpkin spice!
- Pumpkin Spice Rogaine
Your scalp craves more than just hair. So tasty you just might ignore that “for external use only” warning.
- Summer’s Eve Pumpkin Spice
Remove that not-so-fresh feeling with some pumpkin spice odor. Make it Autumn’s Eve!
- Pumpkin Spice Cigarettes
Mmm, spice up that tar. The coughs are as tasty as the puffs. Talk about addictive — cancer never felt so right!
- Pumpkin Spice Suppository
Raw or roasted, add pumpkin spice the way the Romans did – slurp some seeds up your butt.
- Pumpkin Spice Orange Meth
Heisenberg’s only true mistake was not adding flavor to his cook. Pumpkin spice, bitch!
- Pumpkin Spice Drone Strikes
Let’s really deliver democracy to those terrorists with some pumpkin spice justice!
Kate McGroarty is an improviser and writer who performs around Chicago with Shanna’s Mom and creates video shorts with Spaceship Couch.
Edmund O’Brien teaches improv, writing and songwriting at The Second City Training Center. He improvises with his wife Dana in their duo, Sheila’s Sister. Learn about their current show Spolian Analysis and like them on Facebook.