Dear Esteemed FLOTUS Michelle Obama Esq I watched your speech last night at the DNC and I can safely say…
This month marks the 11th Annual National Cell Phone Courtesy Month. You probably didn’t even know, right? I didn’t. Why not? Because we are rude. We are boorish. We are among the coarse, self-entitled 91% of Americans who own handheld boxes that can summon everything from pizza to love… but mostly just porn.
A few precious days remain to sanctify our cell phone habits. Here are our 10 best suggestions:
1. Be super-duper careful texting while driving.
Auto-correct can turn benign texts into jarring messages for your friends, all because of a bad keystroke during a left-hand turn. It’s best to watch each button carefully as you press it– steering wheel be damned!
2. Be considerate of your environs.
Before returning that call from your ex, be sure to wait for a boring part of the movie. Most boring parts are near the end– or near the very beginning, where characters yammer on setting up the “plot.”
3. Keep your speaking volume in check while in public.
When talking on the phone in public, the person on the other end may have a hard time hearing you. Be considerate. Make sure to speak very loudly to drown out the sounds of people around you trying to go about their business.
4. Judiciously monitor your phone time at social events.
At a party, dinner or other social gathering, you don’t want to be rude to your peers. Focus on your phone during the entire engagement. This lets those around you know that whoever you’re texting is more important than they are, so that they won’t feel pressured to entertain you.
5. Watch where you’re walking.
Use peripheral vision while walking down the street texting. (You don’t want to get to where you’re going before finishing the text. That would be a waste of good walking time!) It’s important to know where the sidewalk starts and stops so that you can weave across the maximum amount of lateral space to consume the maximum amount of walking time.
6. Choice of ringtone is essential.
Profanity, racism and degradation of women are highly entertaining! Look for ringtones that involve these in movie quotes and hip-hop lyrics so that those who don’t know you can, in some small measure, enjoy the call that you’re receiving, too.
7. Send lots of group texts.
Twitter is so… impersonal. What better way to stay in touch with friends than with a group text? The variety that reveals the cell numbers of your friends to other friends are best, as they offer the opportunity for people who don’t know each other to make intimate contact.
8. Consider the content you forward.
See “choice of ringtone” above. Everyone loves offensive material, but may be afraid to admit it. Help folks load up their phones.
9. Don’t worry about grammar or punctuation.
Srsly. Lang evlves 2 srv spkrs – english is deaddd – textspeak is da weigh ta go!
10. Tag your friends to reveal their locations.
Thieves will eventually find them anyway. The sooner their homes are robbed, the less stuff they will have acquired for robbers to make off with.
George Pete Caleodis is one of only a handful of cell-phone users to have performed on the main stage of The Second City, Cleveland. His ego and self-centeredness now make calls from Los Angeles where he teaches, directs, and performs for the Hollywood Training Center. He’s not hard to dial-up online– search for him, or just stand up while everyone else in your SUV is trying to watch the movie and loudly scream, “I’m tweeting @caleodis!”