10 Head Coach Candidates For The Chicago Bears

The NFL playoffs are in full swing while the Chicago Bears and their fans are in literal hibernation (inactivity and metabolic depression, respectively). After firing head coach Marc Trestman along with general manager Phil Emery last week, the Bears brought in Ernie Accorsi to serve as a consultant in the team’s search for new leadership. They appear to have finally found their new GM in Ryan Pace but are still in need of a coach.

Despite rumors of an interest in former Washington Racial Slurs coach Mike Shanahan (Oak Park native with ties to Jay Cutler/Brandon Marshall from their days in Denver), and a lack of interest in recently axed New York Jets coach Rex Ryan (son of Buddy Ryan, architect of the legendary ‘85 Bears defense), Accorsi hasn’t really made his plan clear.

You can’t blame him. As a consultant, it’s his job to be vague and inefficient. In the meantime, Bears fans need SOMETHING. So, Chicago, allow me to offer up my services free of charge. Here's a list and full breakdown of my top 10 head coaching candidates for the Chicago Bears:

GANDALF

Age:  2,000+

Resume: Wizard, Council Member, Middle Earth Saver (twice)

Related Experience: Proven success leading a group of men on their quest for a ring

Why He Fits: Smooth transition from Middle Earth to the Midwest; has skillset to conjure the Monsters of the Midway; would spare us countless of Cutler interceptions with his “You Shall Not Pass!” offense

Red Flags: Friends with the Eagles; has a history of disappearing for long periods of time; would be subject to the league’s drug-testing policy (my man LOVES that pipe-weed)

STEVE HARVEY

Age:  57

Resume:  Original King of Comedy, TV/Radio Personality, Borderline Sexist

Related Experience:  Films talk show here in Chicago; knows how to Think Like a Man

Why He Fits:  The Ditka-esque mustache; qualified to handle any family feuds in the locker room; instantly GIF-able facial reactions on the sidelines

Red Flags:  May demand team uniforms be changed to three-piece suits; believes that “atheists are idiots” and all Bears fans are atheists because no God could be this cruel

IGGY AZALEA

Age:  24

Resume:  T.I. protégé, 4x Grammy Award Nominee, Made in Australia

Related Experience:  Dates Los Angeles Lakers basketball player Nick Young aka “Swaggy P”

Why She Fits: Would blaze a trail as both the youngest and first female head coach; Bears need to adopt a “winning culture” and who better at cultural appropriation than Iggy Azalea?

Red Flags: Could force the team to play by Aussie football rules; her repeated use of the phrase “Who Dat?” is actually team chant for the New Orleans Saints

DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON

Age:  42

Resume: Professional Wrestler, Actor, Self-Proclaimed Chef

Related Experience: 1991 College Football National Champion; 2 films with football-centric plot; 17 championship reigns in WWE (totally NOT fake, you guys!)

Why He Fits: Can handle Rock Bottom; ability to sub in as a player-coach; would make post-game press conferences entertaining by cutting off reporters with “It Doesn’t Matter!”

Red Flags: Has a history of brawling with owners; can sometimes revel in being booed; would be too busy to star in future Fast & Furious films and THIS CAN’T HAPPEN

BARACK OBAMA

Age: 53

Resume: Harvard Law School Grad, 44th President of the United States, America’s #1 Sports Fan

Related Experience: Low approval rating; empty promises of hope and change

Why He Fits: Has a home near Soldier Field; Michelle Obama; team-wide mandate for Obamacare would help dealing with concussions; Michelle Obama; that awkward moment when the Bears win the Super Bowl and he has to revisit the White House; Michelle Obama

Red Flags: Said he would not let son play football; would probably be more interested in coaching the Bulls; other teams would claim he isn’t eligible to coach until seeing his birth certificate

MICHAEL BAY

Age: 49

Resume: Director, Producer, Realizer of Teenage Boys’ Wet Dreams

Related Experience: Spent the past several years in town filming Transformers sequels

Why He Fits: Knows how to deal with Bad Boys; games would be action-packed blockbusters; would immediately trade for All-Pro WR Calvin Johnson simply because his nickname is “Megatron”

Red Flags: Loves destroying the city of Chicago; would spend an insane amount on stadium special effects but the team would still suck.

DOUG SOHN (HOT DOUG’S)

Age:  52

Resume:  Chef, Restaurateur, Sausage King

Related Experience:  Wildly successful, 13-year run as an owner/manager

Why He Fits:  Chicago icon; reason for closing was “it’s time to do something else”; could potentially serve Hot Doug’s at Soldier Field

Red Flags:  Hour-long lines to enter stadium; could change mind and decide to reopen Hot Doug’s (not actually a red flag, this is best-case scenario)

CEDRIC DANIELS (THE WIRE)

Age: 51

Resume: Lieutenant, Lawyer, Intense Starer

Related Experience: Well-respected reputation as a strict, no-nonsense commander

Why He Fits: Focuses on quality work; would eliminate off-field issues because he’s literally in bed with the judge; knows how to handle an arrogant, insubordinate white guy

Red Flags: Past history of corruption; refusal to manipulate the stats could upset fantasy owners; would prefer coaching the Baltimore Ravens

KANYE WEST

Age: 37

Resume: Producer, Rapper, God

Related Experience: Played a high school football coach in the music video for Big Sean’s “I Don’t Fuck With You”

Why He Fits: Would signal the return of Chicago’s prodigal son, Yeezus; outspoken and controversial nature similar to Ozzie Guillén (lead White Sox to World Series); potential tie-in with throne-sharer Jay-Z’s Roc Nation Sports agency

Red Flags: Does NOT handle losing well; fans would have to endure both Kristin Cavallari AND Kim Kardashian; for every Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy he can also give us 808’s & lots of Heartbreak

MY OLD PRINTER

Age: 4

Resume: HP Photosmart C3180 All-in-One, Copier & Scanner, Currently on Craigslist

Related Experience: None

Why It Fits: I guess it could print out playbooks?  I dunno...I just really need to get rid of it

Red Flags: Besides minor wear and tear, none. Seriously, at this point, could anything be a downgrade from last year?

Eddie Mujica (@mooheekah) is an ensemble member of The Second City’s e.t.c., performs on the Harold team Winter Formal at iO, and is a lifelong Miami Dolphins fan...so he feels your pain.