The Meditative Art of Holiday Shopping

By The Second City | Nov 25, 2016

There’s a lot of chaos going on in the world today inspiring anger and madness in good, everyday people. From the President-elect to global injustices, honestly, the next “Purge” sequel might just be a window with a Rick Grimes-looking dude pointing at it.

Of all the excuses to transform into a rage monster in these uncertain times, the most socially acceptable is Black Friday shopping. I’m sure whichever major 1930s retailer cooked up the pre-Christmas sale tradition had good intentions, but the annual event has resulted in injuries, deaths and at least one Schwarzenegger film premise.

We can’t change how shopping works, but we don’t have to let shopping change us. Through the meditative arts and spiritual relaxation, you can turn even the most barbaric of Walmart sales into a calm, blue customer-friendly ocean.

Flexibility is a good skill to have in case of a shopping melee

Fully embracing yoga is a good way to raise your core strength and lower your shopping time. A stranger may see you and think, “Uh, this guy is possessed by some kind of weird smiley shopping demon,” but you’re actually just using Sun Salutations technique to reach more shelves while centering yourself. Careful not to purchase your yoga mat the same day, though--even the wisest Yogi have their knee-and-back soreness limits.

Find your mall mantra

If you’ve ever worked in retail (or been within 50 feet of an Apple store), you know what it’s like to experience both hearing and saying the same few frustrating questions and phrases over and over again. So why not use it as a mantra for your own calm and enlightenment? Try repeating something you know you’re going to have to say again anyway to calm your mind as you explore the store. Like, “That’s before tax?” Or, “Just the normal warranty is fine.” It's all zen, man.

Feng Shui it

Though not a traditional meditation technique, the art of harmonizing with your environment is an awesome skill when the hair pulling starts at Old Navy. Re-arranging sale items as you shop may be frustrating for some sales staff, but if the juxtaposition helps dial down the dressing room tone from “frantic” to “tranquil,” you’ve made a store safer for both yourself and the customers around you. And hey, if you just accidentally happen to “re-arrange” that pullover you really want as a gift to a more hidden location, that’s just a great perk.    

Open your third eye in Aisle 3

Ever been so cramped in a busy public space that you’re afraid to look up at a sign for fear of being run over like a deer on the highway? This is every Black Friday sale moment, ever. Fortunately, you don’t need to rely on the signs to find out which aisle you’re in. Slow your breathing before entering the store and focus on opening your third eye, staring up at your forehead for a moment like someone reading a magic eye poster and doing a terrible job. If you succeed, you’ll see more than just the aisle numbers. You’ll be aware of all the products and understand where they’re from and how they’re made. You’ll sense the pain of that single dad who camped out all night for a Nintendo Switch console, whatever that is. You’re every woman, it’s all in you, and you’re aware for the first time of all of humanities endless possibilities! Oh, and you’ll be first to know that Blu-Ray players are in Aisle 6.

Try a Tantric self check-out

Sexually-enhancing meditation won’t really help you become a better, happier shopper. But hey, if you’re trapped in an endless line in a busy department store, it’s nice to know you can effortlessly have a bunch of orgasms.

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Steve Hobbs is a Toronto-based actor, comedian and writer.

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