Comparatively, I'm Really Not *That* Bad For The Environment

Hey, folks! It’s your friendly neighborhood Keurig machine here. I know I’ve under been under attack over the years, and I take full responsibility for that. Hell, in 2016 alone, 9 billion plastic, non-recyclable K-cups were sold! But with all this talk about how bad I am for the environment, I wanted to set the record straight just in time for Earth Day.

Here are 5 reasons I’m not the most destructive thing on the planet.

Not all ‘warming’ is bad

People love hot coffee! It’s a great way to start your morning and heat yourself up while your body grows cold realizing that those 9 billion K-cups could circle the Earth ten times, which you could also technically do on a United Airlines plane, but it would be much, much more dangerous.

I rev up faster than Al Gore

Watching Al Gore's documentary on climate change, An Inconvenient Truth, takes up 96 minutes of your life you'll never get back. A Keurig takes anywhere from 30 seconds to three minutes to brew. Spend all that time saved sipping a delicious breakfast blend while you enjoy the newspaper made out of trees and read about the soon-to-be defunct Environmental Protection Agency.

The mother of all $avings

A 40-count sampler pack of K-cups (including Guy Fieri’s Redwood Roast--who knew?) costs $25.49 on Amazon, or about $0.64 per cup. People say that's too expensive for a single serving of coffee, yet the U.S. government just spent anywhere from a reported $314 million to $16 million to $170,000 on the “mother of all bombs.” That’s also a few billion dollars less than the price of building a 1000-mile-long wall. And I’m the bad guy!?

I’m idiot-proof

I’m easy to use with little instruction needed! Just pop in a pod and I go to work--with no room for error or unforeseen complications, which can’t be said for the United States election process. Save the Earth by reducing your energy consumption. The energy required to use a Keurig is only 1500 watts, a measly amount when compared to the energy required to fly Trump around to play golf 14 times since becoming president.

I fit in anywhere

If you’re that gung-ho about climate change, then move into a tiny house--and bring me with you. My petite 13.5x13x10 dimensions are the perfect size for your new 120 square-foot living space. You can wedge me in next to the television and its nonstop coverage of World War 3.

Finally, go vegan.

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Ryan Nallen (@theRyanNallen) is an actor, writer and improviser in Chicago. Check out his website at ryannallen.com.