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Kellyanne Conway’s Top 7 Terrorist Attacks The Media Did Not Report

By John Loos | Feb 8, 2017

Terrorism happens constantly, forever. Just ask the good people of Bowling Green.

FACT: Literally the only time Terrorism isn’t happening is when a white person does a mass killing, because everyone knows that is just a Mental Health Issue stemming from too much Hateful Liberal Inclusivity. 

TRUTH FACT: If you’re not terrorized into an absolute genuflection to our Hero President So Handsome, then you have a 10 batrillion-times greater chance of getting Terrorism-ed to death.

DOUBLE-EXTRA FACT OF LIFE, BLAIR: 20 batrillion percent of the Terrorisms don’t get reported by the Klinton Knews Knetworks (not to be confused with the good people at the actual KKK).

Why don’t Jake Crapper and Rachel Sad-Cow report on the massive death blasts that kill millions of upstanding white Americans every seventeen milliseconds?

Because it goes against the Satanic Media’s agenda of turning us all into trans-Muslim-vegan-snowflakes who constantly reclaim wood and practice strict Shania Twain Law (an evil law which dictates any Man! can feel like a Woman! whenever he wants! I don’t know about you, but that don’t impress ME much.)

The truth must win out. Here are just seven of the BIGGEST, REALEST terrorist attacks on America The Beautiful that the media REFUSED to report on.

The Mainstreet USA Attacks

Where were you when the world REALLY stopped turning that September Day and seven gay Muslim Terrorist ISIS-Qaeda Bad Guys—one from each of the countries on Donald Trump’s Brave and Patriotic Travel Ban/Not Ban—ran into the heart of Freedom itself, Mainstreet USA? They began Terrorism-ing people with bombs and planes while screaming over and over again:

“WE REPRESENT ALL MUSLIMS EVERYWHERE ON EARTH. THEY EACH GAVE US SIGNED PERMISSION TO DO THIS. HERE ARE THEIR SIGNATURES. ALSO, THEY ALL SAY HI!”

The New Libertytropolis Bombings

Have you forgotten? When a single, aborted, immigrant fetus lurched into America’s Greatest Real City, Libertytropolis (capital of the great, extremely real state of South Tennessippihannity) and detonated a nuclear immigrant bomb that immediately killed 46 million nuclear white American families?

This day was clearly worse than all the Holocausts combined, but yet NOT EVEN A SINGLE MENTION IN THE NEW YORK TIMES.

7/11: Never Forget

I went into a 7/11 once, and the family who owned it wasn’t American. THIS MADE ME FEEL SO THREATENED THAT I FORGOT TO ALSO BUY A TAQUITO WITH MY 174-OUNCE BLUE RASPBERRY SLURPEE. #RIPMyTaquito

Nordstrom Bloody Nordstrom

When Nordstrom stopped carrying Ivanka Trump’s gorgeous and patriotic line of purses, literally all the straight white people in the world exploded and died. But CNN pretends like all the straight white people didn’t immediately explode and die. Sad.

Jewkushima

This is what Trump calls the day the Mainstream Media was created.

Literally Any Retweet Of A Trump Tweet From Pre-2016 Where He Completely Contradicts A Present-Day Position On An Issue

I don’t know how 40 million illegal lesbian Mexican immigrant Lyft drivers collectively invented time travel and went back in time and planted those horrible tweets for liberals in 2017 to retweet, but I’m going to guess it’s some kind of space-time-Terrorism funded by that George Soros guy. Because nothing is more Terrorism-ing to white Conservatives than holding them accountable for what they’ve said.

October 26, 1947

The saddest day in HIS-tory. This is the day noted Terrorist Kween Hillary Clinton was born, and immediately 300 billion men were instantly castrated. Good thing our brave Emporer Rat King Donald Trump has 600 billion huge, pulsating testicles in his  extremely well-fitted, un-flappy pants—to make up for this horrible loss.

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John Loos (@JohnLoosWins) is an actor, improviser and writer in Chicago. Visit johnlooscomedy.com

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