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If Oprah Really Did Run For President…

By Liz Kozak, Stacey Smith | Mar 9, 2017

In a recent interview with David Rubenstein, Oprah Winfrey subtly hinted that perhaps she feels qualified to be POTUS one day … since we’ve now learned as a nation that you don’t actually need any relevant experience in politics to get the job.

Is she hinting at a future run for office? Who would be VP—Gayle King or bread? It’s too hard not to let our imaginations run away on this one. There are so many reasons President Oprah would rock.

You’d get a car … and you’d get a car … and you’d get a car.

Everyone gets a car. Oprah doesn’t discriminate based on color, gender or religion. We ALL get cars—which would potentially distract from the subtle, wise way she’d take away a few guns from crazy people and melt them down into heirloom cufflinks.

The nation’s water supply would be upgraded to include complimentary Oprah chai lattes.

We have work to do, America. President Winfrey needs us to be caffeinated so that we can be alert, united and working toward the common good of the nation. And also boldly infused with cardamom.

She’s a lifelong learner.

She wouldn’t just encourage literacy, she’d launch a bestseller a day with a national book club. When it comes to education, she’s not only qualified, she’s passionate. Remember when she taught us we were all wearing the wrong size bra? Or introduced us to Dr. Oz, who revealed what healthy poop should look like? Those are two more things than anyone has ever learned from Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos.

The whole planet adores her, even animals.

Anyone (OK, clearly not anyone) can get along with world leaders. But Oprah? She’s a modern day Dr. Doolittle! She once revealed that her beloved pets give her flowers—and cardsfor special occasions. Some people can barely communicate in 140 characters, and others can communicate with canines. It doesn’t make her more qualified, but it sure doesn’t make her less.

Her childhood nickname was “The Preacher” because of her talent for memorizing bible verses.

There you go, conservatives.

She’s a winner at whatever she does.

Before she was a national treasure, she was a local beauty queen (finally, we’re speaking a language our current POTUS understands). She was crowned Miss Fire Prevention in Nashville, which means she can put out the multitude of dumpster fires that Donald Trump lights every day. This woman is beautiful inside and out, so let’s time travel to 2020 and get the Oprah Effect into the Oval Office.

This post also appears at chicagotribune.com/redeye.

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Stacey Smith (@staceinyoface) is an improviser, actress and teacher. Liz Kozak is editor-in-chief of The Second City Network.

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