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The GOP’s Totally Unbiased Beyoncé Accountability Survey

By Christian Tucci | Feb 20, 2017

Dedicated to serving all Americans, the GOP is conducting nonpartisan research through a series of public surveys regarding topics that are critical to the operations and values of our government. If you have already completed our totally unbiased Mainstream Media Accountability Survey, please proceed to the following, equally unbiased survey regarding Beyoncé Knowles-Carter.

  1. Do you believe Beyoncé has been unfairly praised for her “music”?
  • Yes
  • No
  • No opinion
  1. Do you think Beyoncé deserved to win a Grammy for “Lemonade”?
  • No
  • No
  • No
  1. Do you think Adele was blackmailed and/or hypnotized by Beyoncé to acknowledge Beyoncé for an award she clearly didn’t win?
  • Yes
  • Of course
  • That’s the only explanation
  1. Do you believe Beyoncé paid off an obstetrician to give her twins in order to help elect Democrats?
  • Yes
  • Without a doubt
  • “Yaaas,” as the kids are saying these days
  1. Do you agree that Beyoncé is a less original, less iconic, and less chart-topping version of Jackie Evancho?
  • Yes, easily
  • 100%
  • Now that you mention it, I can’t even think of one Beyoncé song
  1. Do you think Beyoncé’s overly-political, anti-American, pro-cannibalism halftime show during Super Bowl L was literal treason?
  • Absolutely
  • I do. I really, really do.
  • She’s as corrupt as the Safeway self-checkout that wouldn’t give me the 2 for $5 deal on potato chips because I didn’t have a club card
  1. Are you able to trust Beyoncé after she paid hundreds of people to cover up the production of her 2013 self-titled visual album—a scandal that didn’t, but ought to, go down in history as #Beyoncégate?
  • No.
  • Absolutely not.
  • I don’t normally swear, but H-E-double-polo-mallets NO!
  1. Do you believe Beyoncé has inappropriately and dangerously attributed total leadership of the world to girls in her catchy hit single “Run the World (Girls)”?
  • Yes
  • Yes, definitely
  • Disrespect us, no she won’t
  1. Are you aware that Beyoncé has been recorded on tape bragging that she once “sneezed on the beat,” thus making the beat sicker?
  • I was not, what a heartless human
  • I was not, but surely this audio evidence will tank her career
  • That’s actually pretty clever
  1. Do you think Beyoncé would make a better President than Donald Trump?
  1. No
  2. No
  3. Nyet

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Christian Tucci is a writer, artist, and performer living in New York City. Find more of his work at @chrtucci and www.christiantucci.net.

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