The Second City's Guide To Gifts That Will Ruin Your Relationship

Whether you’re more of a Black Friday elbow-thrower or a Cyber Monday add-to-cart-er, no one’s safe from dropping mad amounts of dough on holiday gifts. Even the most thoughtful among us know that “it’s the thought that counts” is a bunch of bull, the really expensive kind of bull that people like to show off at high school reunions and brunch.

So in that spirit, we want to save you from a gift gaffe by serving as your “Ghost of Bad Presents Future.” Here’s our best advice on what to never, ever give your significant other for the holidays...unless you want to be alone next year.

A subscription to eHarmony. —Bina Martin

If they’re Republican, “Hamilton” tickets. —Patrick Rowland

A nose and ear trimmer. —Glenn Earich

The CycloMop! (Look it up, it’s a real thing.) —Rob Kozlowski

Elizabeth Taylor’s White Diamonds. “These have always brought me luck.” Yeah, you’re not getting lucky with that. —Jeremy Dabbs

A vacuum cleaner (unless they really love cleaning). —Bob Knuth

A boyfriend once gave me items from his mother’s re-gifting pile from previous years, which included chocolate so old that it had turned beige, and J.C. Penney frames holding pictures of couples waaaaay happier than we were. —Carrie-ann Pishnak

Empty justifications for their vote for Donald Trump. —Marla Caceres

A new identity. —Klaus Schuller

“Student Loan Debt for Dummies!” —Ross Taylor

A coupon to “add one to your celebrity exemption list.” —Andrew Thorp

The book “It” by Stephen King. An ex said it reminded him of me ... WTF?! —Kimmie Companik-Warner

A participation trophy. —Winter Davis

The worst gift to give to your significant other is herpes ... and the last season of “Roseanne.” (The lottery? Really?) —Dewayne Perkins

A drone. Many people are up in arms about drones in warfare, but on the domestic front, people just keep losing fingers and fingertips in those little suckers. —Rebekah Walendzak

Divorce papers. Or a Fitbit. Both not good. —Natalie Marsh

As someone who is perpetually single, I will gloss over this question and treat myself. —Annie Taylor

...And don't forget, everyone loves the gift of laughter.