The Definitive Eight-Night Gift Guide to Hanukkah

It’s hard to believe that Jews actually give gifts for eight nights in a row, and this year the first night of Hanukkah lands on Christmas Eve. The Festival of Lights marketing team must be plotzing! After all, Hanukkah is mostly just an attempt at Keeping up with Kristmas, right? We can match them with vintage wax, spinning tops for gambling, and free oil changes. No? It’s not that simple.

It’s only possible to win Hanukkah with a tactful strategy: deploying the right gifts on the right nights. You’ve only got eight chances here. Don’t mess them up.

Night One (Xmas Eve): Christmas involves an uprooted tree, hanging stockings and an outdoor birth. It feels more like a 19th century British novel or a hipster tradition well ahead of it's time. So, gift one should be style without flash. Like a coat. It’s functional.

Gift: Really, this one’s a gift to your mother, who can now extend her nag to be “Put on your coat--that I gave you for Hanukkah!”

Night Two (Xmas Day): Today is a very special day for Jews.

Gift: Movie tickets, popcorn and Chinese food. The extra fortune cookies count as multiple gifts.

Night Three: What? Christmas is already over? Wow, that was fast. This is when to hang out the most Jew-y items. Don’t think because you drank some eggnog and ate a Rudolph cookie that you are any less circumcised.

Gift: A new menorah or a one-year subscription to J-Date

Night Four: Still with this? Let’s take a night to slow it down.

Gift: Pencils

Night Five: Okay...let’s slowly ramp back up. Without going overboard.

Gift: Socks

Night Six: Now is the time retail stores are at their most vulnerable. Remember, “refurbished” is as good as new. They check these things!

Gift: iPad Mini, 65” TV that no one knows where to fit, “Hamilton” tickets for Spring of 2022.

Night Seven (New Year’s Eve): Everyone’s got partying on their mind, so you can slip something educational in.

Gift: A book. Something by Jonathan Safran Foer probably.

Night Eight (New Year’s Day): It’s time start to a new year, and people love fresh starts. Embrace it.

Gift: A blank journal, a fake mustache or a calendar pre-marked with all of your Aunts' birthdays.

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Follow Jake Grafstein on Twitter @jokelaughstein.