Finally ready to move out of your parents’ house? Try a newly-discovered exoplanet!
Holidays are fun, aren’t they? They’re opportunities to eat cake, justify your “whiskey issues” and create Pinterest projects you found when you were high. If you’re suffering from the post-Valentine’s Day blues, don’t fret. Presidents’ Day is right around the corner, and thanks to He Who Must Not Be Named, there’s a new twist this year.
(Not My) Presidents’ Day celebrations are being planned across the country–and you’re gonna want in on that action. Here are seven fun, easy ways to tip your pussy hat to our national shame on February 20th.
Unironically keep shouting, “Thanks, Obama!”
It won’t change who’s currently occupying the Oval Office, but it will feel v liberating. This is your (NM) PD, so send Barack a Groupon for kitesurfing.
Wear your THINX undies regardless of whether you’re menstruating or not or even have a uterus
The last month has proven that in 2017, anything can happen. You always gotta be prepared for bloodshed. It’s just like Thomas Jefferson said: “The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and nasty women.”
Make a vision board of the America you’d like to see in the near future
Mine will mostly consist of photos of men riding public transit with their legs closed and that stone cold fox, POTUS 14 Franklin Pierce. But you live your own personal dreams!
Find anything you can vote for and vote
It doesn’t matter if it’s political or not. Take some online quizzes. Vote for potato chip flavors. It doesn’t matter; just cast some ballots. Who knows when our voting rights are going to get revoked?
Stock up on avocados
Although you’ve always considered yourself “good fat,” these little green wonders are going to be too expensive for you to buy rapido. Because of the gender pay gap, not only are avocados pricier for us ladies, but we’re also all saving up for that exact right moment to move to Canada. (Justin, if you’re reading this–every day could be Prime Ministers’ Day, wink wink.)
Bust out those gel pens from 1998
Cover your body head to toe in sparkly messages about how much you love yourself or about how you’re still feeling “The Bern!” Feels really good to have control over what you do with your body, right? As good–if not better–than chilling in the Caribbean with Richard Branson in a backwards fitted. Okay, maybe not better.
Blast Beyoncé while swallowing your birth control
With Planned Parenthood’s funding being threatened, it is important to exercise your right to safely avoid pregnancy while also knowing that Future President Carter is having twins (fingers crossed it’s two girls), and they are going to save the world. You just have to have patience. Like about 6 months for the babies and four years until you can say “President Bey.”
You’ve had a long, miraculous day of resisting. Do whatever you want to wind down, because you are a woman. We hear you roar.
This post was also published in the Chicago RedEye.
Stacey Smith (@staceinyoface) is an improviser, actress and teacher.