I’m pretty much your only healthcare option right now.
Is “climate change” taking control of your life and ruining your mental health? It doesn’t need to anymore–partly because it’s a hoax, but mostly because President Trump just signed an executive order rolling back Obama’s inflated regulations.
Here are seven alt-science methods that are all you need to curb carbon emissions and breathe easier.
1. Have A Feeling
You know when you’re at home and you get a very strong, sudden sense that there’s someone sitting in your attic, waiting to kill you when you’re asleep? That’s science!
Friend: There’s an Antarctic ice sheet slated to fall into the ocean. If it does, New York goes under water.
You: I hear you, but I just have this deep, gut feeling in my gut-bones that it’s not going to happen. Like, it’s just not possible, you know?
Friend: Whoa. Are you serious? Thank you for clearing that up!
In two clear sentences, you killed climate change.
2. Know A Guy
Climate scientists believe that higher average global temperatures can be proven through environmental data analysis. But what about your dad’s college friend Aaron? He recorded the coldest winter on his farm in over a decade this year! Climate scientists don’t know everyone. In fact, they don’t know anyone. That’s why they talk to dirt and trees. Climate change is a scare tactic invented because scientists have personal agendas against humanity (due to private stories of loneliness and rejection).
3. Talk Very Loudly
Did you know that by shouting when you disagree with what someone else is saying, you erase their voice from your ears? It’s true! And lab-tested!
Friend: You know, I read that it was the hottest year…
Me: FOR JUSTIN BEIBER, I KNOW BUT DO YOU AGREE ABOUT THAT BECAUSE I MEAN I THINK IT WAS A HOTTER YEAR FOR BEYONCÉ EXCEPT FOR THAT ADELE THING? BUT ADELE TRIED I MEAN WHAT CAN YOU DO, YOU BREAK A GRAMMY IN HALF I GUESS? BUT I MEAN THEN WHAT HAVE YOU GOT? SOMEONE’S BROKEN GRAMMY.
Climate crisis averted.
4. Use The Marie Kondo Method Of Elimination
The quickest, smartest and most effective way to end climate change is to throw it in the trash. Ask yourself: does thinking about human-induced mass extinction and the total melted destruction of the Arctic Circle bring you joy?
If no, discard the idea of climate change. It’s gone. You tidied it up.
5. Visit Your Parents
Your mother will remind you that climate change is just a scam invented by the banks, who are trying to control your life. Your dad will remind you that he didn’t learn about climate change at school in the 1960s–and back then, educations were actually good. So how can it suddenly be real now? Don’t get yourself so worked up! Have a bowl of tater tots!
6. Keep The Faith
One group actually does claim that climate change is real and manmade–but they also offer a solution to end it fast. They believe our planet is going bananas because God is lovingly punishing us for not believing in Him enough. The answer to ending climate change is easy: keep the faith! In our leaders, our government, in the belief that the contents of our blue bins magically *do* end end up at a recycling plant.
7. Enter A Coma
The Alternative Science of Unconsciousness ends climate change by putting everything on pause. People might think they are running around outside your house screaming, “WAKE UP, SHEEPLE, EVERYTHING IS BURNING,” but they are not running around, and everything is not burning. The world has stopped, because you are the protagonist of the world.
And you’re in a coma.
Rosanna Stevens is an award-winning writer, eternal PhD scholar and musician based in Canberra, Australia. She is currently the Anne Edgeworth Fellow, a program which is supporting her in the production of humour writing. Find more of her work on The Belladonna, The Toast and The Lifted Brow.